General Information about Sex Addiction

Addiction to Sex Addiction is a conditioned pattern of avoiding, escaping, medicating, and running from pain. Instead of recognizing that a problem exists, the addict will turn to the illusionary world of sex and fantasy.  Over time, the addictive behavior cripples his ability to distinguish between what is real from what is unreal. Escaping the real world brings temporary relief but doing it enough times becomes habitual and eventually becomes addictive.  

Addiction is often a family disease.  Sex addicts usually are raised in families where addiction, neglect, and abuse are present.  The parents, grandparents, siblings, or extended family struggle with eating disorders, nicotine addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, gambling, or compulsive sex.   Odds are that there exists a combination of addictive behaviors.  The family environment is setup to ignore or pretend there is no problem and to keep the issues a secret from those outside the family.  The sex addict learns early that keeping a problem a secret is normal. The sex addict also learns to distort the truth of the abuse that occurs inside the family.  He will develop the belief that "it wasn't that bad" or "it did not negatively affect me."  Deception is a way of life in his family.

The secrecy of the family creates a false perception of closeness but the reality is a family that is very disengaged and disconnected from one another.  There is little sharing or intimacy.  The sex addict develops few skills for sharing, being vulnerable, or taking any risks to ask for help.  He learns early in life that he cannot trust his family members and the only person he can rely upon is himself.  He develops the core belief that "no one will meet my needs but me."   Sex is a way he attempts to meet his own needs.

Many sex addicts get married with the belief that marriage will solve their problem but marriage fails to solve the problem. He fears telling his wife about his problem because he believes she would reject and abandon him.  He tries to stop on his own and refuses to seek help.  It doesn't take long before the sex addict's illusion of control callapses...his wife finds porn on the computer, his company fires him for looking at porn while on the job, he has an affair with a coworker, or he is arrested for trying to buy sex from a prostitute.  

His illusion that he is in control of sex is now no longer a “reality.”  (As if it ever was)  The bubble has popped.  He finally admits to himself that his life has become unmanageable and he is powerless to stop the behavior on his own.  He is ready to get the help.  This is the very purpose of this website....to direct these men to the place they can get the help they so desperately need!

It is important to understand that the sex addiction is not the "problem" but a false "solution" to the real problem of your emotional internal pain.  Compulsive use of the "solution" (i.e., porn, affairs, prostitution, adult bookstores, etc.) turns habitual and then addictive.  Falling back into perpetual patterns of sex addiction happens because the actual causes behind it are not examined and faced.  The main issue of sex addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain.  This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.  

Sex is used to numb feelings and escape from the painful parts of life.  The sexual experience becomes mood altering and in time becomes central to the sex addict’s life.

Further Examination of Sex Addiction

It is important to understand that addiction is a false “solution” to pain, past trauma, and anxiety - addiction literally becomes a coping mechanism.  If somebody starts doing something to cope, and if they do it long enough, the body adjusts to the point that it needs that level of activity just in order to feel balanced.

Sex addiction is seldom the sole solution/addiction that a sex addict uses.  According to Dr. Carnes’ research, more than 83% of addicts report multiple addictions.   More than 83% of sex addicts report multiple addictions, including chemical dependency (42%), eating disorders (38%), compulsive working (28%), compulsive spending (26%), and compulsive gambling (5%).  Our counselors assess for multiple addictions rather than just the one presented by the client.  As can be seen in the drawing above, if one addiction (“solution”) is eliminated, there are plenty of others to take its place as the “drug” of choice.    (Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)

What is Sexual Addiction?

“A sexual addiction is occurring when the sexual experience has become the driving force of people’s lives to the sacrifice of their health, family, friends, values, and jobs.  Sex addicts are people who have lost the power to choose when, where, and with whom they wish to be sexual.”

“Addiction is an illness of escape.  Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality.  It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and—most painful of all—loneliness.” (Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)

A person who is addicted to Sex is living in an imaginary, self-created world that avoids the possibility of experiencing rejection or the risk of pain that a real relationship can offer.  It is a person’s attempt to avoid the pain often caused by real intimacy.  The sex addict is essentially creating a pseudo-relationship with someone/something that can be controlled and manipulated; such as a picture, a video, or a prostitute.  

The main issue of Porn and Sex addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain.  This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.  

Sex addicts desire to connect with others but due to childhood disconnection with their parents (due to divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, addictions, etc.), the addict attempts to fill the void by bonding with something/someone “safe” and controllable.  The sex addict tries to connect with the “unreal” (or fantasy) rather than the a real connection.   

Breakdown of Addiction

Addiction is a shame based illness

• There is a hole or leak in the sense of self that no amount of affirmation can fill it because it goes thru the hole
• Sobriety is the way to fix the hole of shame
• Flawed sense of self

Addiction is an intimacy disorder

• Profound attachment issues (don’t know how to connect)
• Experts at making others feel he understands but really doesn’t
• Isolation and self soothing

Addiction is a problem of attention

• The ultimate attention deficit disorder
• Addiction is a way to create order

Addiction is a coping mechanism response to stress

• Solution to trauma (re-processing attempt from past)
• Grief and affect suppression
• Protection from painful memories

Addiction is a family disease

• Addiction served as a function in family system
• Genetics and nurture

(Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)

The addiction cycle is rooted in a larger addictive system which starts with a belief system.  The belief system is a collection of convictions, myths, and values that affect the decisions we make.

At the core of this belief system are ideas the sex addict hold to be true of self and are:

“I am basically a bad, unworthy person.” “No one would love me as I am.”
“No one will take care of my needs but me.”
“Sex meets my need.”
“Sexual activity becomes all about me and my survival.”
“Selfish ‘me’ sex leaves me empty and feeling shame.

There is an internal logic that flows like this: “Because I am unworthy, no one would love me if they really knew what I was like on the inside.  Consequently, my needs are never going to be met if I have to tell the truth about who I am.  Given that sex is my most important need, I will never be able to depend on another person who really knows me to get it.”

Out of this situation flow all kinds of delusional thinking which allows the addictive cycle to flourish.  It essentially distorts reality or even blocks the awareness of what is going on around the addict.  The addictive cycle becomes the driving force in the addict’s life.  Bad things and consequences begin to happen.  What the 12-steps call “unmanageability”.  Lies, covering up, and inventing ways to keep losses at bay do not stop the accumulation.  Sooner or later, their life becomes a mess.  Addicts find themselves despairing about how complex, stressful, or awful their lives have become.  The feelings of despair confirm their dysfunctional beliefs about being an unlovable person.  Thus the system only strengthens and repeats and repeats.

Sex addicts get caught into a repetitive cycle called “The Addictive Cycle” (bottom part of above drawing). It starts off with:

Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic.  Fantasy becomes an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life.  The addict’s thoughts become focused on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting- out sexually.  He thinks about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal in order to fully eliminate feelings of the current pain of reality.  Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before moving into the next stage of the cycle.

These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritualization or “acting out”.  A sex addict first cruises and then goes to a strip show to heighten his arousal until he is beyond the point of saying no.  Ritualization helps to put distance between reality and sexual obsession.  Rituals are a way to induce trance and further separate oneself from reality.  Once the addict has begun his ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly.  He is giving into the pull of the compelling sex act.  

The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”.  The tensions that the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings.  They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences.  The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes that he has become nothing more than a slave to the addiction.

Almost immediately reality sets in and the Addict begins to feel ashamed.  Like a dog, he has returned to his vomit. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times.  The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again.  Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair.  He has betrayed God, possibly a wife, and his own sense of integrity.  At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this will be the last battle.  

For many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness.  One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again.  The cycle then perpetuates itself.

(Carnes, "Facing the Shadow" 2006)

If you identify with the addictive cycle, review the ten criteria and see if you match at least three criteria for being sex addicted.   Click here to review the ten criteria.